Sure, you’ve been stalked by chupacabras and hand-fed Champy its beloved circus peanuts, but who hasn’t? You know the top cryptids by heart and cooking temperature. But what your stale, pedestrian Instagram really needs is one of these little fellas whose existence mainstream science denies!
- The Bloody Beast of Broome: Australia’s only true cryptid. That’s right, all those other animals are technically normal. Half-man, half-wallaby, all-beef. Let us know how it tastes.
- The Idaho Forest Walrus: This is the pocket-sized, arboreal pinniped you’ve been thinking about during sex. Photogenic and casually venomous. Often found on chilly mornings warming itself by burning old-growth forest. Hates otters.
- Bighand: Harder to track, but if you like very large hand-hearts, the spelunking pays for itself.
- Oglipogogli: A worm. Located in Rhonda Allen’s backyard next to the rhododendron. Indistinguishable from other worms but grants wishes as long as they are about worms. Selfish.
- The Fjord-Ape of Svalbard: Certainly not as obscure as the others; still worth a visit. Throws poop and provides colorful reviews of local eateries. Seems largely content.