Courtney scans her patrol zone for bargain seekers
Magnificent Bastards of the Apocalypse

Know Your Bastards: Courtney

Courtney, heroic guardian of the hallowed aisles of FedExico, wishes you good bargain-hunting. To help you on your way, please take this sub-dermal loyalty chip and a few thousand volts from her Shopper Incentivizor.

When I think of customer service and high-powered weaponry, I think of Certified Shopper Experience Enforcer 206, known to her friends as Courtney. And by “friends,” I mean, “Employee Database Field: HumanName.” She’s a pillar of the Discount City-State of FedExico, one of the top coercive shopping fortresses of the Feculent Zone. She keeps the other Bastards in line with her strong sense of order and liberal use of negative reinforcement.

Courtney was raised in the warm, comforting nutrient baths of the FedExico fetal complex, where she received rigorous, pre-natal RNA conditioning with the rest of Shopper Experience Enforcer brood no. 198-3. Following official certification in a variety of crowd-control and interpersonal violence/customer service techniques, Courtney joined the proud tradition of the FedExican Coercive Bargains Corps.

Need to know where you can find and be forced to buy a cord of beef jerky? Ask Courtney! With a smile, she’ll tell you that beef jerky is located in Zone 9, Region Epsilon, Quadrant D, Aisles 1044-1045. And with that same smile, Courtney will offer special incentives, including a motivating jolt with the people-prod, threats of grave bodily injury, and balloons for the kids. She won’t, however, tell you what the jerky is really made of.*

* It’s people.

Shopper Experience Enforcer 206 would like to scan your Loyalty Chip, please.

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