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Ennui Torgo Writes

We’ve Missed the Real Tardigrade Menace

Very menacing, though quite small at this point.

Tardigrades. You know ’em. You hate ’em.

They get into everything, and they basically can’t be killed. We’ve tried everything: boiling water, bleach, health care deserts. Nothing seems to be able to pry these anus-faced moochers from our world.

Humanity quickly saw through the “water bear” and “moss piglet” gambits by these cunning octopods. The ability to survive hard vacuum was a dead giveaway–even targeted marketing can’t diminish our expectations of explosive decompression. And when a moss piglet doesn’t pop satisfactorily in the airless depths of space or sizzle into dust under intense gamma radiation, panic is a reasonable response.

But if we are being frank, which is our default setting, the real problem with Tardigrades isn’t cosmetic. We’ve all learned to live with trillions of indestructible aqua wombats infesting the interstices of our universe. It’s an ugly fact of existence, like death or life. God, we hate it all, and we’re sure that you do too.

The Tardigrade menace is bigger than you think
Don’t care what you call it; that’s a butthole.

These miniature moisture oxen are essentially without purpose or reason. “Tardigrades” doesn’t even have any good anagrams.

Dai traders g.

That’s the best we could do, and Tardigrades have never, to our knowledge, engaged in financial transactions. They just float through the world in a state of invulnerable apathy, spinning their sphincter-mugs at whatever organic molecule is in the neighborhood.

But that’s not really the point. The point is that the Tardigrades could be made giant. We don’t have the slightest idea–absolutely no idea at all–what 5G or CRISPR or whatnot can do.

We’re like babies with a laser chainsaw. What happens then? Enormous, inexterminable octopods EVERYWHERE, that’s what. We know that’s an imprecise simile, but we’re upset now. It actually seems kind of inevitable now that we think about it. It’s only a matter of time before some technology makes things giant. We’re honestly surprised that it hasn’t happened already.

And then the panic fades, and we recall that there’s no reason to assume that Tardigrades would be made giant. It could be any small creature, really.

Anything at all.

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