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Angst

The Facebook Cockring is the Wearable of the Future

In the future we lust for, wearables will get a little bit cozier and a lot more Zuckable.

It’s no secret that wearable technology is hitting the big time: the Apple Watch, the Galaxy Watch, several other watches, maybe a smart hat here and there. Hell, once Forbes starts making predictions, we might even assume that wearables are already passé. But Mark Zuckerberg is sending the strongest signal yet that wearables have an unshakeable grip on our lives: the Facebook CockringTM.

Facebook hasn’t officially announced this miracle device, but we can’t imagine a more fitting market niche for the company that makes Black Mirror feel like a puppy GIF. Anyway, just look at this guy’s face and tell me he’s not ensconced in a Bluetooth-connected phallus donut:

Definitely wearing one now
Pure, data-hugging joy

Snug, stylish, and weighing in at only 8.3 ounces, this little dongle dongle does absolutely nothing but stream a live feed of your current dick-state to your Facebook profile. But don’t worry, Facebook’s famous privacy features will prevent up to four real humans from knowing anything about your thong salmon. And just think of the individualized ads that Zuck will be able to serve you based entirely on tumescence, humidity, inertia, and ideology.

The mind boggles.

Best of all, it’s made for audience engagement. Every react sends a gentle buzz to your Bilbo Baggins, so even your (racist) Grandma can cheer you on!

And don’t worry, ladies. Zuck has a prototype in the works for your own special genital configuration. At the moment, it’s just a GoPro that you drop into your pants, but the Zuck-n-TuckTM is sure to post only the best content to your Insta story.

I’m excited just thinking about it, and Zuck has the comprehensive data to prove it.

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