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Ennui Torgo Writes

The Book of That Bona Fett Guy, Reviewed

A whole, densely populated galaxy ought to have plenty of stories, right? An infinite number of unique individuals and places and events–wow, galaxies sure are big! I can’t wait to see what happens to all these brand new, heretofore unseen, and unimagined narratives!

Just kidding, it’s about that guy with the missile and the cool voice. These are fine qualities, especially in combination, so hey, who doesn’t love a new Star Wars pre-spin-quel? Disney+ seems to think this on a regular basis, so fine, I’ll watch it. I’m not proud, which should be obvious by this point.

Like most spin-offs, this takes an interesting minor character and tries to make them into an interesting main character. Typically, the difference between the two is not defined merely by the amount of relative screen-time. This usually becomes obvious quickly. But hey, I wanna see what cute little creature they gin up this time. Loved that Grongu guy with the ears.

I was a little confused by this show because, based on the title, I thought that it might be an audiobook. Turns out it’s an audio-videobook, but that’s fine because it means that I don’t have to read anything but the subtitles for Huttese.

Please go grab a handful of Chex mix for the next 7-12 minutes while the siren does its thing.

I’ll start by saying that I really like this Bona Fett guy. He’s durable. Can take a shot from a Sarlacc, etc. That’s good, IMO, since he’s pretty slow and not a very skilled fighter. Take Episode 2, for instance: he spends about 2/3 of that hour swinging a stick around like he’s casting for stripers off Cape Cod. Granted, it’s a pretty hefty chunk of wood and metal, and it’s probably got a weird center of gravity. Ol’ Bona appears to need a few episodes to get the hang of it, but I hope we don’t have to watch more montages about the stick. Still, this would be fine if he were on the Cape, but we’re back on fucking Tatooine again, so it’s kind of irritating.

Have I mentioned Tatooine before? I think I have. I get that this is the home planet of this franchise, but there’s a reason Luke wants to get off that arid, Jawa-infested sandball: it sucks. There is sand and cantinas and Jawas to every horizon. Respectfully, fuck Tatooine.

But anyway, we need to talk about that lizard.

When that scaly rascal shoots up Mr. Fett’s nose, I forget all about the racist depiction of aliens as, simultaneously, pseudo-Bedouins and vague Native Americans. I completely lose track of the faceless planetary alien natives being slaughtered by faceless, buffalo-train-riding, off-world aliens. There’s probably a lesson there…BUT HOLY SHIT! What, precisely, is that reptile DOING TO THAT MAN’S BRAIN?! There is a small, very active quadruped scampering about a human being’s frontal lobe, sticky gecko feet and all! A flicker of the tongue, gentle like a breeze ON HIS FUCKING MEDULLA?? WTF is this??

Lizard-induced hallucinations, my man. Trippin’ to the pitter-pat of tiny, cold-blooded feet. Now THAT’S what a galaxy is for. If you have to harness the ol’ visionquest trope, then might as well go tits out, so to speak.*

We’ll put that solidly in the plus column. On the other side, there’s the tedium. I appreciate the attempt to depict the hardscrabble life of the Tuskens, what with their unappealing singing and ugly dogs and raking of sand, etc. It’s all very Grapes of Wrath: occasional wrath, no grapes, lots of dust.

I’m still hoping this will hit a rhythm in the same way as The Mandalorian but in a shorter period of time. Or maybe they’ll get this poor Bona guy the hell off of Tatooine. Jakku, maybe?

*I know that lizards don’t have tits. Thanks. Not sure about Tuskens.

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